Let Go
by kitty.has.a.pen
Summary: Kaoru's inner thoughts and feelings on Kenshin leaving


Kaoru smiled wistfully as she gazed at the full moon. The cool night air wafted around her, comforting her in its embrace. Silence was all around her; it was the perfect time to think. It had been almost 3 years since she had met Kenshin; it felt like such a long time ago.

She remembered bumping into him on the streets of Kyoto, mistaking him (well not really mistaking him because he was really Battousai) for Battousai the assassin because of the sword tied to his waist. She had an intense hatred for Battousai because he was supposed to be using her fighting style to hurt the innocent, which was opposed to the origin of the Kamiya Kasshin Style. The point was, she ended up bruising her shoulder and fainting.

The next morning, when she woke up, she just found herself in her house with no idea of what happened. She never did ask Kenshin how he figured out where she lived…

She chuckled at the memory. Ever since then, they had become close companions. At least, that's what she'd like to think.

After Kenshin tried leaving the first time… a fear was distilled into her. What if he left again? Would she be alone once more? Why would he even want to leave?

She shook her head, ebony locks swaying with the motion. She knew that Kenshin would leave one time or another. She knew that. But why is it that just thought of him leaving made her heart ache?

"_He is a wanderer" _she kept repeating to herself, to no avail.

She just couldn't let him go. If you thought about it in an objective way, it was an expected reaction. She had been mostly alone after her father died, and when Kenshin came along… he gave her the warmth of a family she'd always wanted. Certainly, she didn't want to let that go so easily.

So she let herself believe that for a while. She told herself that she would be able to say goodbye… just not now.

A few months rolled by, and day-by-day, she began to feel that she was slowly getting the strength to let go.

How wrong she was.

Kenshin's leaving for the third time hit her like a bucket of ice cold water. This time, she wasn't able to stop him. She just thought Kenshin would have wanted to watch the fireflies that evening, not leave.

What was worse was that… she realized something in those few moments by the lake as the wanderer said goodbye.

She _wasn't_ ready.

She _didn't_ want to let go.

She was going to fall apart if he left.

And… She was in love with him.

She loved the flaming red locks on his head. She loved those violet eyes when they looked at her with so much care and happiness. She loved his hands that always seemed to protect her. She loved everything about him.

But she didn't want to.

Where was the young woman who took life day-by-day without a care in the world? Where was the young woman that was independent and always says she didn't need anyone's help? Where was the Kaoru she knew?

She knew Kenshin would leave! Why didn't that stop her foolish heart from falling in love? The knowledge was right in front of her! And yet her traitor of a heart didn't listen.

Why did this have to happen to her?

Anger filled her being, and as always, it was directed at herself.

She couldn't find the strength to be angry at the amethyst-eyed wanderer. She sighed to herself, wrapping her arms around herself to ward of the now chilly breeze.

She remembered wasting away when he left. Life simply had no meaning.

Megumi had to slap her (well, try to slap her) into facing reality.

She went after him.

Her pride protested at following him like a lovesick puppy while her heart soared at the thought at seeing him again.

When she reached Kyoto, a sense of anxiety hit her. What was she going to say? Will she even see him?

She met Misao while she was there, the teenager who seemed to always have energy. Her optimism helped her through her search for the man she loved. Yes, she couldn't deny it any longer as much as she wanted to.

She saw him that day, at his teacher's house. She just stood there, not knowing what to say. She had traveled miles just to see him. Maybe that was it? Maybe she just needed closure. His leaving was such a surprise after all. She wanted- no- needed a proper goodbye.

Oh, the games that people play.

She wanted so much to hide behind her dreams and ideals and never face reality. How sweet that would be.

Denial was her escape, but it didn't seem to help her now.

If this was just closure, then why did she ask him if he was angry at her?

He said he was angry, and happy at the same time.

She just didn't understand!!! Why was she forced to endure this?

She closed her eyes, and held her head in her hand. This was just so confusing. And to think all of these came out just because she couldn't say goodbye. It was just a two syllable word after all. How hard could it be?

She wanted to much to punch a tree right now, but that was Sano's forte. Besides, Kenshin would probably be concerned if he saw her with a bleeding hand the next morning.

She never wanted this to happen. She just wanted a family, people who would stick by her. People she could depend on.

So why was she want someone who could clearly walk out of her life the next morning?

She just wanted to be able to let go.

Let go of her want of companionship.

Let go of her feelings.

Let go of Kenshin.

Learn to say goodbye to him.

To say goodbye and let go without letting it hurt her.

Besides, she was kidding herself if she thought she had a chance with him.

But… If she had a chance to go back in time…

Would she have asked him to stay with her in the first place and let herself fall in love and be hurt all over again?

Kaoru smiled sadly, now looking at the lightening sky.

Yes, yes she would.

Because no matter how much pain she did feel… it still paled in comparison to the happiness… the memories… the moments.

She was content with her life as of right now. Wasn't that the most important thing?

With a rising of a new day, comes hope.

And she hoped, as every new day passes, she'd finally be able to let go.

For now, she'll just have to wait for that moment.

The sword instructor turned on her heel and passed in front of the room of the wanderer she's been thinking of.

"Someday… Someday soon… I know I'll be able to say those words." She whispered to herself… and to him.

XXXXXXXXXX


End file.
